Yesterday I was hiking and I was taking a little break on the side of the gravel road in the shade to write this to my sister:
It’s super still and quiet and bright and all of a sudden there’s this huge noise behind me!! Ahhhh! Like a loud mooing noise or a big blow horn! This is grizzly country and there were a ton of signs for bears and I even saw some tracks and a bunch of fur and a bear out on the road earlier today. What kind of noise does a bear make?? Ahhh!! I’m spinning around, looking in the woods- oh shit! There’s something back there! Two big black somethings!! Fuck! Two huge black bears coming this way! I’m going to get eaten by a bear and no one will ever know what happened to me!! They’ll find my shoes and my iPhone and bloody remains where they fought over my tastiest bits!!! Fuuuck! They’re getting closer! I know I’m not supposed to run!! What do I do?? Wait! They stopped! The front one is doing something- lifting his head to smell the air? Does he smell me?? I am trying really hard not to smell like a Happy Meal right now. His head’s up- he’s kindof rearing back- Fuuuuuucccckkk!!! What’s he doing? Is he going to charge?? No! He’s… Oh wait, he’s… Mooing. Yea, that’s definitely a big angry moo. Moooooo… She, actually, is a big black COW. Walking down the path with a calf behind her, in the middle of the wilderness. I almost shit my pants over a cow. I hope you’re getting a good laugh out of this because my heart is pounding and I’m feeling pretty stupid. She just walked right on by me and I can hear her roaring off in the distance, echoing through the pines. I’m going to eat a burger for dinner, out of spite. Fucking cow.